Shacking Up: You're not Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel. Why living together is a bad idea.

Many of you may be living with your partner, you've built a life and home with one another your way. Society, and perhaps your parents and friends, need not supply their opinion. You are happy, content, and resolved to live life the way you see fit.

My first question to those who identify as such would be:

Do you and your live-in partner have an exact and corresponding idea of what your life together entails?

Before you jump to answer, have you both actually sat down and discussed what this living arrangement IS? Have you and your partner explained to each other, what the relationship is, what your intentions and plans are and how you see the relationship/situation developing? Are you in complete agreement?

If your answer is, “We don’t need to discuss it. I know we are on the same page.” That answer is wrong. Stop offending my intelligence and yours in thinking you “do not need” to discuss and define your relationship. Names have power and meaning; you are denying a very real fact and doing yourself a disservice by refusing to “define” your relationship. To further explain how important a name and the act of naming something is, I want to go over an analogy, the Orphan Analogy.

The Orphan Analogy

Imagine a child in an orphanage, we call him Orphan. That is what he is. He does not have a family to call his own, or a mother and father to call him son. We can very likely conclude this Orphan desires something more than anything. What does he desire, come on, what is it? A family, a mom and a dad? Yes! Correct. Assuming this is a reasonably adjusted child, one that does not have deep seated emotional issues or resentments, yes, this child likely desires a mom and dad above all other things. He instinctively craves a family to love and accept him as their own, a place and people to belong to unconditionally. It is God who places this desire in his, and in all our hearts, because God intends on establishing this very relationship with us. Our family is the earthly prototype for the everlasting familial relationship God intends us to have with Him.

Moving on, let’s say a mom and dad meet Orphan and they decide to foster him. They are not quite ready for adoption yet; they do not even know the child! So, they foster him, they try it out.

Now the child knows the difference between adoption and fostering, yet he is a happy to have the experience of this relationship, though it is conditional.

Now imagine months go by, years even, and the mom and dad live happily with Orphan, they continue to foster him and enjoy a wonderful relationship together. To imagine that mom or dad or orphan will never bring up the idea of moving from fostering to adoption is ridiculous. Of course, the topic will and should come up.

Now, let’s say it does come up, and mom and dad say, for various reasons and perhaps “understandable” reasons, they think it best to continue fostering the Orphan and not adopt him. They are convinced the relationship is exactly the same as if they adopted him, they will be there for him, they don’t need some silly piece of paper legally binding them to care and love and cherish that boy as their son. They don’t need to proclaim this son to the world and the courts that this boy is their own, and that he has a right to their heritage, their legacy, their family name and status. They say Orphan can have all these things, without agreeing to the very action that would CONFIRM these things.

The Orphan and the mom and dad may move on from that conversation. They continue to live a life, much like they did before, and they may continue to live a life very much the same as if they HAD adopted him, yet both parties will always know, even if only in the furthest reaches of their mind and hearts, they will know they did not make the move to officially adopt the orphan as their son. They continue to foster him but will not take the step to adopt him. There will always be this unspeakable question of why, why have you not accepted me as your family, why will you not give me your name and call me your son and heir? Both parties know they stopped short of giving this orphan his heart’s desire, to be accepted unconditionally, to be accepted and proclaimed as wanted, to be made a part of a family. And the mom and dad, they must have their reason, and denying the orphan this status implicates hidden motives, even if they themselves do not know them. Many of us would look at a situation such as this and wonder why they keep poor Orphan hanging on?

They seem happy, and maybe they are, but mustn’t Orphan sometimes stay up late at night worrying and wondering why they don’t make it official? Mustn’t he wonder why, if they love him so much, why won’t they claim him and make him a part of their family indefinitely, cementing their bond. Why don’t they proclaim me in front of God and man as their own, which nothing can separate, in which they can’t go back or change their mind, so that no matter what happens, I can be confident they will stand by me as their own, as their son. Why don’t they do that? They say they love me, why don’t they name me as loved? Why don’t they name me as their own?

My friends, if you are living with another person and you are not married, one of you is the mom/dad and one of you is the orphan. Come on, now: which one of you would get married if the other asked? Even in marriages there is one who loves just a bit more while the other falls short and then the tide turns, and the positions change. This is simply nature, the contractual commitment of marriage acknowledges this change of feelings, while solidifying the facts of loyalty and commitment. For example, God did not base his relationship with the Jews ONLY on feelings, but also on a covenant He made with them, a promise of commitment that they will always be His people. And just like with God's chosen people, your spouse may do wrong, or not like you very much, maybe for a month, maybe for a year, but you have made a commitment to one another that withstands temporal feelings.

If this marriage commitment seems too much to ask, then don’t do it. Don’t create the foundations of a family if you cannot commit to ensuring the stability of said foundations no matter how you feel at any given time.

Marriage is not for everyone. But though you may forgo the struggles and hardships of marriage, you also forgo the pleasures and satisfaction of marriage and family as well.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

A live-in relationship is a half formed, mutated version of both marriage and single life. Not fully man, not fully beast, but a half breed, an unnatural thing.

Consider live-in relationships and how we can see the orphan analogy illuminates how unfair live-in relationships are to everyone involved: It is unfair to foster a child without intent to fully adopt that child and take them into your home as one of your own.

At least allow that child an opportunity to find a home that will accept and take them in as their own. By keeping that child as only a foster child, you are denying them an opportunity to find a committed family. In the same way, let go of your partner if you do not want to take on the commitment and responsibility of marriage.

Friends, notice the correlation between living with someone outside of marriage. One of you wants, or at least knows in their heart the right way to devote, to share a life with another person is to make a proclamation together, and in 100% unison, that your lives belong to one another and you both commit to always have it be so. To say one or both of you do NOT want a relationship like that is to say you are in some way broken.

Imagine again Orphan: what is his main hope? A family to which he belongs and is loved. We can also imagine a damaged, walled up and defensive orphan who claims he doesn’t care about no stinking family, he doesn’t need or want that. But in movies, books and life, we all instinctively know that not to be true as a natural response, but a conditioned response, resulting from years of abuse, abandonment, and fear of rejection. This attitude is a defense from more hurt and disappointment. We all know it is not natural to not want to be a part of a family. This is an important condition to consider, when BOTH parties adamantly believe they do not want to be married. If both parties claim to be the "mom and dad" and no one in the relationship is Orphan, no one is "rejected," I would argue both are simultaneously rejected and indulged. You are both mom and dad and the orphan. You are both denying each other's inner "Orphan" who desires unconditional love and acceptance, that is named and confirmed and promised. Imagine a relationship as such: Mom and Dad say they would prefer not to formally adopt, but maintain a foster situation and Orphan agrees! He too suggests it is not necessary to make the arrangement permanent, that their feelings are enough to negate the importance of the promise and commitment. Why would they continue the relationship? Could it be they both want the benefits of the family arrangement with none of the responsibility? Is such an arrangement even fathomable? I am speaking in hypotheticals here but truly consider the moment a couple you know, describing this very situation involving their foster child, and try not to balk. It is unheard of. Yet, how common are live in relationships which enact this very same situation?

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Therefore, my friends, please do not insult yourself thinking, it is somehow, magically, your natural disposition to not want a committed relationship where you become one half to a whole, to become an entity which is the foundation of a family in which you support and love one another unconditionally, and name one another your OWN. Especially if you are living with your partner, as this very act, demonstrates a desire to belong to this exact union. Everyone wants to “be picked;” stop claiming you are the one person in the world who does not.

Honestly examine your live-in relationship and determine who is the “mom/dad “and who is the “orphan,” who is the one being denied full access and comfort of unconditional love and acceptance, who is the one who will not quite commit to naming you as their own, indefinitely identifying you as family? Examine if it is truly both of you who are the denying the other a chance of entering into a relationship where your innate desire can not only be met, but expressed!

This situation will come to a head of contention time and time again. The “mom/dad” partner will console the “orphan,” affirming their love, their acceptance, and let me reiterate, I am not denying their love to be true! But they are still not affirming the orphan as their own, they still cannot or will not fully give that person access to their family name and heritage, they still deny the person certainty and security. This is why the issue, though momentarily “resolved,” will come up again and again.

My Godly advice: By living together, not under the commitment of marriage, you are losing out on the God given blessing to be “fruitful and multiply,” not just concerning children, but fruitful in all things. Relationships were meant to strengthen one another, but a relationship without a firm foundation, zaps energy, resolve, and confidence.

Compare again the orphan analogy, let’s say the mom and dad offered him their name and adopted him as their son, imagine the relationship going forward in all renewed confidence, resolve and happiness. Now compare that to their actual decision, continuing to have Orphan in their home, not as their legal son, but as the child they foster. Especially consider: the act of adoption was available, yet denied. They could, but they don’t. Do you see how going forward, their relationship’s status creates a sense of confusion and lack of confidence, not only for Orphan but the mom/dad as well?

You may be thinking, that is not my intention! I do not want to create confusion, chaos, or insecurity in my partner, I do love them. That may be true, but when you attempt to do good, according to your definition, not God’s, the result will never be good. There is many a man who wants to do good but does ill because they conduct their actions according to their ideals and measurements of good and not God’s.

God already gave us a clear and definite way to proceed into lifelong relationships with one another. Now, even within God’s definition of good and with His blessing, that does not mean there will not be struggles or issues in your relationships. We still live in a broken world and we ourselves are very much broken.

We must give ourselves over to God, submitting our will and lives to Him, so that He may rebuild our lives for His glory. He can do that with your life, and He can do that with your marriage and familial relationships. However, we cannot go to the Father if we are not saved and not His sons and daughters, asking Him to fix our lives. He will not fix your life until you accept Him into your life.

Imagine a non-believer, “Lord, please change my life, rebuild it according to your glory.”

God: “You mean the life you haven’t offered to Me yet? The life you have not submitted to Me? The life which you have not asked forgiveness and redemption for by the Blood of Jesus? That life? That life needs to be born again, that life needs to accept Me and officially become My son/daughter through Christ, only then will you be blessed beyond measure, as an heir to my kingdom.”

It is the same with your relationships, “God bless my live-in partner and our relationship, give us peace, joy and prosperity, help us fight evil and temptation when others come to destroy our bond. May we be strong and true to one another.”

God will say the same thing, “You mean that relationship where you have not come before God and man proclaiming yourselves to be as one? The relationship you refuse to take to the next step and officiate your devotion and commitment to one another? The one whose very existence is to “live in sin”? How about, commit that relationship to Me, marry one another, and become one as I commanded. Then the blessings I have for you will be of an outpouring you cannot imagine.”

If you live outside of God’s will, then you live outside His law, and if you live outside of the law, you live on the wrong side of justice, on the wrong side of rights, freedom, and privilege.

This isn’t God spiting ANYONE! If you break any earthly law, the consequence issued is not out of spite but out of legal justice. Justice of which you are fully aware. God does not hide His laws from our hearts. Just as there is a natural consequence for wrong, there is a natural reward for good. We see situations in our lives, within our society, in our family’s homes and friend’s homes, in our own homes. We see how pleasure and pain come to all, Godly and ungodly, but also we see how joy, hope, perseverance, abounding love and unconditional acceptance are blessings given only to God’s children, those who honor Him with their actions, their bodies and relationships.

Action Steps:

1. If your relationship, by its very definition cannot honor and glorify God, you need to seriously consider removing yourself from the relationship, so that you may honor God with that decision, and importantly, allow your partner to glorify God, enabling you both an opportunity to enter into a relationship with someone else. A relationship which will honor and glorify God and in which you will enjoy all the peace, comfort, security and love God has for those who abide in His love and will.

2. Pray for God to give you signs concerning your relationship. Always, always, we think we are the exception to the rule. Well, I know God wants me in a committed relationship, where we are married under His name. I know I shouldn’t just be living with this person…. but…. but…we have a baby together, we are both Christian, we just can’t afford a wedding, we are wary of remarrying based on our past bad experiences, etc. etc.…

There is no exception to the rule, guys and gals. I could write a book about all God’s rules I thought I was the exception to. I have such a close relationships with Jesus, (much like the Jews' relationship with God; they thought their heritage as Abraham’s children and God’s chosen people, made them “untouchable and forgiven no matter what”) that I assumed if I am led to this sin, this break in the rule, it must be because there is an exception. I wouldn’t do this unless God has given me special permission because of my circumstances; He must be giving me special privilege. Right. It sounds so absurd, but many of us live this way. “I am a good Christian and if this action makes perfect logical sense to me right now, God must be giving me a special privilege and exemption to engage!”

We apply this illogical reasoning to everything: sexual immorality, idolatry, refusal to tithe, forgiveness and revenge (God knows how bad this sin against me was, He wouldn’t allow this to happen to such a good Christian as me unless He wanted me to take revenge myself, OR, God will allow me to never forgive this person, there must be some exceptions for forgiveness, God can’t expect me to forgive THAT sin against me.) The enemy will try to convince you that your sin is acceptable, justifiable, so that you will continue to engage, resulting in a separation of you from God. Pray for God to open your eyes to this deception, pray for the Holy Spirit's conviction, read the Bible daily to arm yourself against these lies of the enemy.

3. Again, pray for wisdom, pray for God to show you His will for your relationship. I did this once, and I meant it. For once, I prayed and actually WANTED God to show me His will for a relationship. I liked this person so much, to the point where I did not want to go one more day in the relationship unless God wanted it for my life. Within two days, my feelings had done a complete 180. I was shown red flag after red flag and I broke off the relationship within three days of praying that prayer. And I had no lingering feelings. It’s amazing what prayer can do when we not only ask for God’s will but want His will for our lives! Pray for a will that seeks after the desires of God’s heart, pray your will matches God’s will, and with this in mind, pray that God reveals to you exactly what you need to see. There are very rarely instances when we can 100% ask God to show us the truth and mean it. Many of us, when it comes down to it, cannot bear to know the real truth of our circumstances. Pray God makes you strong and ready to have eyes that see and ears that hear!